You know your love language? (maybe you don't): it's a concept about the way people feel most loved and connected. What if I told you that your love language is also the most effective way you sabotage yourself?

Yep. It turns out we are absolute geniuses at getting in our own way (but you’re old enough to know that already!).

What if I said that self-sabotage is so much more effective if you use your primary love language to do it?

What do I mean by that? Here are a few examples:

• Words of Affirmation? You’re probably a pro at tearing yourself down with a ruthless inner monologue

• Acts of Service? Oh, you’ll do anything for others… just not yourself. Burnout, anyone?

• Receiving Gifts? You’d never dream of depriving someone else, but when it comes to you? Nah

• Quality Time? Always time for work, people, or doom scrolling. But time for yourself? Avoid at all costs

• Physical Touch? A hug? Rest? Comfort? No, no, you’re fine - just grit your teeth and crack on

Ooof!

What stunned me is that as far as I can tell, nobody else is talking about this.

I’m calling this phenomenon Shadow Languages: The Reverse Love Languages

I’ve been discussing it with clients in a low key sort of a way for ages, but in the last week or so I have begun mentioning it to others in a different way (there's a story) and when I do that, I see light bulbs of realisation going off.

So, I’m making this real

I don’t know yet if it’s going to be a quiz, a guide, a workshop, or a full-blown revolution - but it’s happening. Today I needed to say it out loud! It’s very exciting. It explains so much. And I have so many ideas (ADHD anyone?!) and there is so much scope to have a lot of fun with this.

_______

About that story: last week I had a meeting with my coaching teacher and mentor, Mark Walsh (yes, he of Embodiment Unlimited). I have been grappling for a while with what to call myself in terms of the ‘just what sort of a coach are you?’ question. I had got as far as ‘mindset coach’ which is a bit vanilla and we were discussing the way I help people who self-sabotage. I added ‘which is just so much more effective if you use your love language to do it’ in a casual conversational way, because it’s just so obvious to me that I thought everyone already knew (want a side of autism with that ADHD, madam?).

Judging by Mark’s blank expression response, everyone does not already know. ‘What do you mean?’ he said.

I gave an example, ‘for instance mine is quality time, yet often I am so busy and/or time blind that I am often late, too late to do the fun things with myself that make work days more joyful, like having an unhurried cup of coffee in a nice café on my way to a meeting.’ Regular readers of my stuff may have noticed that I regularly champion mooching as a great booster. Yet... I withhold what I need most. That’s positively depraved.

Anyway, it was like I had prodded Mark with an electric cattle prod! He lit up with the concept of ‘Hate Languages’. And with others I have spoken to since (including Chat GPT with the question about who else is talking about this) and the reactions have been remarkable, including ChatGPT’s and let’s not forget, he is a language model; machine not human.

So I have been developing it. And this article is me drawing a line in the sand to say that I have this concept that apparently not everyone else already knows, and I am working on it. There are lots of potential names for this and I may use all sorts of names in the future. But for now, it’s ‘shadow languages: the reverse love languages’.