The man on Zoom is in a quandary – the chat has erupted. He has generously offered to workshop someone’s course example live, focusing on the audience, their needs and how best to serve them.

Many people were excited by this opportunity to have some free specialist consultancy for their business, so hundreds posted as fast as their fingers could type. Selecting a topic from a fast moving Zoom chat feed had been tough. He has decided on one of two, rejecting the first one (supporting menstruating women) as being too difficult and settled instead on something which now has the crowd divided about whether it is sexist.

The niche was someone who supports women who are feeling completely out of sorts after childbirth. That’s OK, and so needed – many of us had difficulty navigating the abrupt life change that a new, highly dependent infant brings. Except it has been couched in terms of ‘women who are depressed and needing to get back in shape after childbirth’. For many on the call, happiness for a woman depends on the size of her clothing. The rest do not agree with that statement.

The coach clearly has great values and his generosity in a pressured situation has got him into this cul-de-sac. He clearly thought that this would be a good topic to workshop, but it has not turned out that way. I have had my head in my hands because of the way the discussion is going (these poor women will be able to ‘play with their children’ and ‘enjoy a healthy sex life’, once they have lost weight…). Now there are debates in the chat about whether it is a sexist topic. There is much ‘enthusiastic’ mansplaining at women who are expressing their unease; ‘this is about helping women in need’ they are saying. Many people are triggered and distracted from the epic (and free) marketing masterclass taking place on the screen adjacent to the chat. People are dropping off the call.  

So why is this article about inclusion? This situation is a great example of unconscious bias in action.

This poorly selected topic is far from neutral, and it is upsetting and excluding people.

What was a space that was beautifully set up to feel warm and inclusive, is suddenly intolerable for some.

Yet again, women are being reminded that our ‘Western’ World View is created and driven largely by a male point of view – we live in a masculine paradigm. Women being able to make their own choices about their own bodies is still a point of debate. There is an expectation that women will be attractively presented and largely (no anti-pun intended) unobtrusive. There is the assumption that this is what women want for themselves.

It is interesting that the first niche (supporting women who menstruate) was rejected, along with a bit of displacement behaviour, a school boy style joke and snigger - a further demonstration that the adult female experience of living in a female body is not universally understood. The selected topic has divided the room. Many men in the situation are not seeing this as a problem. They cannot understand why women would be rejecting such wonderful help to support this clear need.

I am a lifelong learner and each day brings fresh opportunities for learning. An integral part of running effective meetings is ensuring that people feel safe enough to speak, and that if they do speak, they will be heard. Lessons on facilitating meetings that I took away from the situation:

• When facilitating a live workshop, try to preselect two or three safe topics ahead of time, then watch the chat for live examples that fit those topics

• Be an ally. If a discussion is going wrong, call a halt. Explain why the conversation is inappropriate. Apologise. Regroup. Go on with a fresh direction for the discussion.

It is possible to extrapolate this situation and gain some insight into all the inadvertent ways that unconscious bias causes upset – even when the person leading the conversation means well. Glo Atanmo is particularly good at highlighting examples of accidental racism in her Instagram account. The LGBTQ+ community is up against all sorts of unconscious bias too – with more likely to be on display as the Conversion Therapy (Prohibition) Bill makes its way through Parliament during the current session. Humans are designed to learn by listening to stories about things that have happened and with so many people currently telling their stories, there are many opportunities for learning more.

Development management theory says that our views of the world are shaped by our lived experiences and the history & culture that forms our environment. These things are often so ‘normal’ they are hard to discern – even for women in a Society designed by and for men. Then there are ‘Institutions’ – situations and groupings of people where unwritten rules govern norms of behaviour.

Our natural inclination is not to go against these rules, even when those rules create conditions that don’t suit us.

Next time you are running a meeting, here are two top tips to aid your preparation:

1. Spend time beforehand to consider how you will make sure that everyone present can feel comfortable enough to contribute, and to actively listen. If you have people who will never contribute during a meeting, how can you encourage them to share their views? Do you need to have a break part way through where people can post comments on a board as an alternative to a potentially daunting group discussion? As is often the way when effort is made to be inclusive, the overall experience and benefits are greater – using a post-it board has the benefit of providing an opportunity for more developed views to be added, deepening the conversation beyond what was expressed during the group discussion.
2. Consider what you can you do to help yourself open up to the possibilities that are coming from this meeting ahead of you. What is the intentional mood you need to be in? What energy do you need to summon? Should you go for a walk, clean something or play with your dog for a bit? Perhaps a little mooch? Something that brings you into that space, better able to contribute and to listen.

Our role as people who facilitate space for dialogue, is to lead in a landscape governed by invisible rules. If we fail to make that space inclusive, then we lose out because we will be missing the thoughtful, high quality contribution from the quieter, more reflective people, the alternative thinkers and the introverts.

As a local Council Community Development Officer in East Cornwall once told me after a particularly fractious Parish Council meeting, 'Hollow vessels make most noise'.